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Thursday, 21 July 2011

HOW TO BECOME A GREAT SINGLE PARENT





People say you drink to forget, does it work? I don't know, in some ways maybe yes. I drank and forgot my name, I drank and forgot my address I drank and forgot to blow out the aromatic candles I bought, in my life defining attempt at change. But the drinking never seemed to remove the empty feeling that comes with accepting that the ladies gone. Don't worry she's not dead, she's just stepped over to the right, just that little bit out of reach. A lot of people say “you should go for a run, it will make you feel better”. So I drank a lot and went for a run, these people should explain that the two things are not designed to be done in tandem. They should also point out that when you go for a run you need to leave your house. I woke up hours later muscles and limbs bruised and swollen almost three metres from the sofa where I had begun. Cursing my Converse for they really are not an adequate running shoe. I finished the wine I had left in my glass and thought...”something needs to change”.
Though there is an argument that being a good single parent means making sure you have angled the cigarette smoke away from your childs face, there are a couple more things you can do. That is if you want to become a GREAT single parent. It's often tough to commit to such aspirations but come on. You've hit an all time low. If your going to fail and disappoint yourself, why not get it all done in one fell swoop? The first step to becoming a GREAT single parent involves going to a reputable bookshop and buying the book “Teach Yourself How To Be a Great Single Parent”. This book is the most suitable thing in the shop for telling you what you may need to know on this subject. Ideally take your child to the bookshop with you, this way you are inviting strangers into your world just by holding the book with the ridiculously indiscreet title. At least if anyone hot is in the shop they will understand your available. One of the downsides of being a single parent is that your child usually gives the impression that you are far from single. You don't need to feel guilty about seeking attention, of course you are still distraught over your break up, it's just nice to get some attention. There' a a six in ten chance if anyone did speak to you, you'd probably fart then cry and that would be that. Without your child you may look like a weirdo reading up on the subject so your prepared in case it happens in the future. That's a weird thing to prepare for. As I say there are few opportunities as a single parent to really flaunt yourself, so don't waste this opportunity. Make sure everyone you want to know, knows you are definitely buying that book.
Hopefully you haven't had to wait an hour for the most passable member of staff to be available to serve you. Place your book on the counter and sigh. If your lucky she may say something like “I'm sorry” and if your lucky you will say “don't be, it's a positive beginning rather than a painful end”. You will hopefully have read this on page four of the book when you were flicking through earlier. Leave with your head held high believing you've walked out with her saying to herself “I've just met the next Erin Brokavich”. Don't think about the fact that you took no contact details. Now when you get home stick the kid in front of the TV and begin improving yourself. Now most people know that there is nothing in these books that you don't already know. Also everyone knows that they will hate to identify with anything which is written for mass appeal. Who wants to realise that their depressing break up is the same as a million other break ups. No thanks. Open the book read the words you like...Denial, control,Anger...all great words. The book is definitley not a waste of money. Just read the words in the order you choose and take from it what you want to understand. Remember you're free now, the book is not the boss of you. Occasionally you may read a sentence with the words in the order they were intended to be read in. You may find yourself relating to what it says and weeping uncontrollably. If you find this happens a lot you may need to go back and pick up the sister book titled, Teach Yourself How To Cope With The Book Teach Yourself How To Be A Great Single Parent. When purchasing this one you may look a little mentally unstable. Also you don't want that staff lady to think bad of you, so at least throw in a text book on contaminated water ( I'm sure that is something that exists). If that girl knows her Erin Brokavich this will no end seal the deal and your wussy book will slip into the bag unnoticed. She may write her number on your arm, try not to walk out in a fart trail.

Part two will follow when I read the rest of the book...

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