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Tuesday, 12 July 2011

Dating With Sainsbury's

Hi everybody this is Carrie Bradshaw you know the one from Sex And The City, I drink cocktails with my sassy pals and talk about people's penises. Hang on is that a word? What's the plural for Penis is it Peni? I could google it but what's the point in knowing everything? Call me bitter but I kind of miss the old days when the option of finding out was a bit more difficult and I didn't have to be exposed for being too lazy to type into a search box. Shit I've given myself away it's not Carrie Bradshaw it's me Babak Ganjei. I'm just a guy with a laptop and the Sex And The City theme tune on loop for inspiration. So anyway I got to thinking if the only place I ever go is the Supermarket what can I do to make myself look interesting to the opposite sex (you notice I used the word “interesting” as opposed to attractive. I'm just happy to be of interest). So let me try and impart you with some useful advice to help you in the art of potentially picking up a suitor while getting some food (this is the small print just to warn you nothing that follows has so far led to anything you could call success).You're already fighting a losing battle with the shopping basket under your arm, it's not exactly manly, unless of course if your comfortable in your own skin, in which case everything you do looks self assured and simple and congratulations to you for that.
The first thing you do before you go to Sainsbury's is bath. You're a single parent now(you might not be) and you're not going to go anywhere else(this only applies if your a single parent), so if this is the only place someone is going to see you, you may as well look clean. The supermarket is a great place to pretend you are in total control of your life. Each item can speak volumes about your character which is why it's important to only buy things you don't want to eat. It's probably a good idea to spend as much time as possible in the fruit sections. If you buy lots of fruits people will presume you have a blender and that you are going to make smoothies. How else are you going to get through all that fruit? It can do you no harm to be regarded as a smoothie maker, it's the sign of an aspirational healthy focused mind. Make sure your vegetables are bright and vibrant and you have a good range of colour. People may not instantly appreciate it but it indicates a strong artistic eye, and a sense of style and that shouldn't be taken for granted. Now make sure your noticed looking at the herbs. Not the small little bags of herbs which are already more herbs than you need but the annoying to carry plants in a pot. This will show a commitment to real cooking, and not just microwaving which is another form of cooking. Make sure you get your face in their and smell the thing so you have an inkling what it is you are buying. Once you have your herb pot and your kilos of fruits and veg make sure you parade yourself around a little so people appreciate what it is you have done.
Now it's important you know exactly what you need to be seen buying from this point on and do it in a linear fashion. No turning back on yourself. If you have realised you forgot the capers silently curse to yourself and accept capers are now for another time. You don't want to be seen traipsing around dazed and confused in the store. You are in control. Pick up a baguette as opposed to regular sliced bread. It will instantly give the impression of a more open minded well travelled being. It also has a more powerful suggestive shape. However when picking out the baguette don't attach it to your crotch and pretend it's your penis. If you can't resist the joke, it's best to avoid making eye contact with anybody and giving them a thumbs up. Connoisseurs of this move will tell you it's much funnier with something of colour anyway, an Aubergine, or a courgette, for ultimate subtlety perhaps a fine green bean. Now storm on and pick out some soft cheese, it doesn't matter what as long as it is not Brie that is too obvious, perhaps something with a vein in it.
Dips are important, they suggest a more relaxed approach to feeding yourself, a bit more tapas and a little less Steak House. However what dip can be tricky and needs to be chosen with care. Houmous has been reclaimed by the Graphic Designer market and you don't really want to go there. The Cheese and Chive one offers no real sophistication, and Guacamole suggests you might be having a frat party. I would suggest you go for a small jar of black olive tapenade. People don't seem to know what it is, it comes in a glass jar and is small. For some reason all these things are a positive. Perhaps have a wander into the pet food section and pick out a dog toy, it won't hurt to be regarded as someone who may potentially have a puppy. You can go for a cat toy if you prefer, but dogs seem to be more affectionate and you want to create an image in people's minds of you sitting with your puppy licking your face as you are trying to dip a celery stick into a little black jar while trying to read the new Jonathan Franzan novel. Now i'm not a lady so I can't vouch for them but I'm presuming this image is a step in the right direction for you. Although it is worth remembering that if you do achieve any success with this operation make sure you hide the collection of dog toys you have amassed on previous trips. You will look weird enough having bought just the one when it is clear you don't actually have a dog.
When you get to the refrigerated sections it is important not to get caught out checking your hairline at the mirrored bits on the end. It's probably in the same position as when you left the house fifteen minutes ago. However if you find you have in fact gone back a couple of inches since you set off drop the basket and run across the road, there is a Herbal Inn situated there waiting for this exact moment of crisis. Though seriously, as I said before this rarely happens. Probably nine out of ten times you will get back from the supermarket looking the same as you did when you left the house. The supermarket is not your bathroom which is the ideal place to lock away your vanity, so DO NOT treat it as one. This is also why you should move as quickly as possible through the toiletries aisle. Make sure you look like you know exactly what you want, throw it in your basket and move on. Looking decisive will suggest you have a thoroughly well planned hygiene programme. Spending ten minutes comparing zesty lime shower gel over relaxing eucalyptus ones suggests your bathing is reserved for special occasions.You don't need any of them just one giant white bar of soap, now head straight to the alcohol. This should really be your last stop. Ok so you don't have anything of note to eat in your basket but that's ok your here to make a statement. Now disregard beer from the off, we are only really interested in picking out wine, you will earn respect with your knowledge of grapes . The safest way to look like you know what you are doing is to make sure you are caught picking up the most expensive bottle on the shelf. Before you get to the checkout you can replace it with the wine in the mega deal. No one will remember the label, but they will remember your dedication to good wine and willingness to invest. In no way get tempted into going for the multi buy deal. Being a wino is a turn off, you can pick some more up on the way home and there is no point ruining all your good work so far to save a few pounds.
You should now have a basket laden with all the things people want to see from you, if you have done this correctly the basket will be too heavy to carry and you are now kicking it towards the check out. Take a glance at whose behind you in the que before admitting to having a loyalty card. Sometimes it's good to look disloyal. Pay and leave with your head held up. Once home unpack the bags if you want. Pace around until you've hit an appropriate time to open the wine. Ten paces around should do it. Think back about all your good work, how you went out there and gave a good account of yourself and that over an accumulated period this will pay off dividends. Once the wine is drank celebrate by remembering it's wednesday and you can still get a two for one deal on eighteen inch “Meat Packer” pizzas from the local pizza delivery. It's ok if no one can see you it never really happened.

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