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Wednesday, 30 November 2011

Bad moves


“So you come here often?”
Nothing she just sat there in the circle facing out. Her focus seemed to be firmly set on the man opposite. Yeah ok so we weren’t exactly dating, but on the basis of proximity I was definitely closer to doing so and her staring was beginning to feel like borderline cheating. I tried to give the man opposite evils but he seemed to be crying into his lap.
“This blows, let me buy you a drink”
“Come on one drink won’t hurt”
“It’s only a drink, I’m not asking you to marry me”
“What if I asked you to marry me?”
“We’re not getting anywhere here, were not even going round in circles we’re sitting in a circle, it’s almost completely pointless”
“Ok one drink”
She got up swiftly, as I stood up slightly suprised with the success of my reasoning the weeping man also stood up.
“Hello My name is Dave and I have not had a drink now for nine days”
“Hang on” I whispered “I thought this was a singles club”
“it doubles for that” she said as she put on her sombrero “let’s go”
Reluctantly I picked up my sombrero
“Ok, but whatever happens we’re not getting married” I whispered.

Tuesday, 29 November 2011


The Way To a Girls Heart

The Doctor walked in with some news. “You’re as sick as a Parrot,” he said.
“Which one” I enquired. He had five side by side in a line up.
“The second one”
“From the left or the right”
I was relieved. That one didn’t look too sick. The second one from the right looked like he was having some sort of existential crisis.
“Do I need to take anything? “ I asked
“Is it still raining?”
I split an opening in the blinds with my fingers and looked out. “Yeah a little”
“Then take this” he handed me an umbrella.
The Nurse left the room. Sure it was a bit of a cliché but I’d fallen in love with the nurse. Hey, it’s my prerogative. Sure, maybe I don’t know what I mean when I say, “It’s my prerogative”, but sometimes it’s cool to say things that just sound good.  Chances are the listener doesn’t know what you mean either, and in that case you win by looking smart. Because they will presume you know what you mean. It’s called language gambling. The only problem this time was that I said it in my head and I didn’t understand it, so I had to concede to a stalemate.  It’s an unnerving feeling failing to understand your own inner monologue, and often an indication that it’s time to take up an evening course.
We had been in the same room for over one minute. That’s usually long enough for an FBI agent to track a persons whereabouts from a phone call, and it’s long enough for me to perform my special skill of projecting my own ideas of who a person is and falling in love with them. I was practically welling up about forty second into the time we spent together when recalling a moment in her childhood, which hadn’t happened. It was similar to something that hadn’t happened to me in my own upbringing. It was clear to me we were a perfect match, like cheese and onion.
            She walked back in. The nurse was very good at exiting and entering rooms. Or at least this room in which I had now experienced the impact of both the exit and the enter, so I was qualified to judge on both counts. I plucked up the courage to approach her and tell her a joke to break the ice.  I opted for the Horse Whisperer joke, because it’s the only joke I know, I had written it myself. Also I’d put it in a blog post once to which nobody paid attention. I’m not bitter, but believe me it deserved better, and I was going to prove it I was convinced it was funny and there is nothing more attractive than a man acting on conviction. If I said it I could also mention it again in this post. Being a stubborn egomaniac I decided I was absolutely right in my thinking.
“What did the Horse Whisperer say to the Horse?”
“What?” she inquired.
“I’m sorry what?” I punchlined.
“What?” She inquired.
“I’m sorry what?” I punchlined, this time throwing in some gesticulation.
“What? She inquired, but this time delivering her one syllable with the suggestion that her time was being wasted.
“I’m sorry what?” I punchlined, this time flapping my arms though I did not know why.
            The doctor nodded in approval as he scrawled something on his clipboard. The parrot with the crisis had begun compounding my jokes failure by repeating “I’m sorry what?” In quick succession. The Nurse left the room with the sort of strut, which suggested she had better things to do
“You get the joke don’t you” I asked the doctor.
“Yes” He said with a chuckle, which at least felt like a small consolation prize. The Horse is flapping his legs and pretending to be a bird so he doesn’t have to talk to the Horse Whisperer.
“What? No, a Horse can’t even move it’s legs to flap, they only go front and back”
“Yes I thought that was the funny bit”
“Then why were you flapping at all it’s very misleading?”
“Hey, it’s my prerogative” I paused to assess if the gamble had paid off.
“I always thought laughter was meant to be the way to a girls heart”
“It’s a way, but it’s a very indirect way” The doctor said. “Unless you are both laughing at another’s misfortune, you can’t beat a shared emotion”
He started to rifle through a draw
“This is a far more direct way” He pulled out a scalpel.
“I think I was talking in metaphor”
“Well” the doctor shook his head turning his back on me looking out the window. “I’m a man of medicine, I don’t speak in your flowery metaphors”
Said the man who diagnosed me as “sick as the second Parrot on the left”.
“Well I guess I’m off” I said to his back.
“Wait!” He threw a beanie at me “it’s getting worse out there”.

Monday, 28 November 2011


So you want to look like you care about someone's well being and all that, but it's early days maybe even minutes and there is no point making them feel self conscious about the state of their oral hygiene. To be honest it will look a bit weird that you had even noticed they would need help with such matters, considering you had never got to within five meters of them. The three extra heads are a nice touch but move on, or buy it for your own sorry mouth.

You can argue till the cows come home that this is half a dress, but on this occasion the cows are getting a cab and rushing back to save you, because it is what it is, and it's an apron. It's not wise to push your relationship to such a domesticated status before you have even found out there actual name. It takes all the sizzle out of it. Nobody wants an apron. Not even a stranger.


Are you a man? Or an Idiot? They don't need to know, don't make it obvious.

 Lots of things got invented in the 80's (Cranberry Juice) it's generally regarded as the decade in which the world really came into it's own. It's also a time when people learnt to help others(Live Aid)  In that time the filo fax was regarded as the equivalent of a mans laptop. It reeked of aspiration. James Belushi even made a movie about one called Filo Fax. These days it's been reduced to a thing you rest a tv dinner on which you haven't even bothered to spoon into a plate. Save this for yourself.

Ok so Charles Grodin is in it, but even if you bought this movie and an actual Filofax I can safely say  you can kiss goodbye any potential  romance. (though on IMDB it's the best rated Jim Belushi movie tied with Mr Destiny, but that at least has Michael Caine in it, and the Linda Hamilton from Terminator...they should have called the Teminator movies Mr Destiny(just a thought).

 There's no way to really wrap this. Also it may be a Seabass (which makes you sophisticated) but most people won't identify that, they will just smell a parcel, and it's one thing for a gift to give its self away by its shape, smell: that's a different story. This gives itself away on both counts. Avoid.


Listen to it first, it's probably not as good as you remember it ( though it does include scatmambo and jazzology on it)


People think this has something to do with Christmas, it doesn't. Plus like the Thompson's Directory the text print is too small  cos they tried to pack in so much story which makes it almost impossible to get past the first few pages without going cross eyed and taking a nap.


If you're going to invest in anything like this, make sure your recipient has some outdoor space.

Chances are they will share them with someone else.

Now you know what to not get, go get em!...

Not the items, the subjects of your affections