How To Be A Great Single Parent -3 - How To Make Friends

 

photography by Jon Baker

             It's an Urban myth that all single parents meet at karaoke bars. Some of them go swimming. I've been thumbing through my book “Be A Great Single Parent” now for a few weeks and I've read a few sentences, and can confirm that the book is correct. Not every performer at the Karaoke bar I went to was a single parent. In fact I got the feeling maybe I was the only one. Regardless I stood firm and emoted with a heartbreaking and dare I say it inspirational rendition of that song off Glee. When it ended I looked up into the empty room. I was definitely the only single parent in this Karaoke bar. I looked into the stage lights which momentarily blinded me, bringing with it a sense of disorientation. “Is there anyone out there” I said as I tried to get my sight back. In the distance I heard a mans voice. “No” he said. It must have been the swimming day.

           As I walked home I thought to myself “what am I doing?” Do I really want to find another single parent who shares the same confusions and problems that I face? Someone I could talk to and would accept the weight of my responsibilities, because she would be faced with the same issues. No way. That sounds frumpy. I'm still young(I'm not) I still have some hope for the future(I don't). I'm still hip with the kids (I still dress like a child). Then my thoughts went back to the cashier at the Bookshop where I bought the book Teach Yourself How To Be A Great Single Parent. I may have mentioned her in previous instalments. She definitely looked like she felt sorry for me when I placed the book in her hands. If your playing the long game to a ladies heart, this probably isn't a bad start. At least she feels something. So I thought maybe I will head back there. Before the momentum is totally lost.

        You see it's not easy to meet new people when you're a single parent, people are usually outside and you will find you spend most of your time inside. Rarely do they just knock on the door. Sometimes they do but usually they want to read your gas meter, and they rarely seem to want to stick around once they've done it. This is why the internet becomes such a useful tool for making friends. Luckily I have my trusty handbook and I have studied the chapter, “How To Make Friends On The Internet”. Good thing too because apparently it's a dangerous world. Who knew you were not supposed to give your address out in the initial exchanges. My trademark introductory line of “Hi I'm Babak I live at number 5 Winkley street, where do you live ?” is now made virtually redundant. It goes on to warn you that people in cyberspace are not real friends, they are virtual friends, and in the virtual world people who say they are Barbara might really be Syd. When you arrange to meet Barbara and Syd shows up he will probably try and fob off the surprise as a misunderstanding due to his inability to speed type. To be honest as useful as it sounds it could be it starts to feel more trouble than it's worth. The book suggests that instead of actually talking to virtual people perhaps use the internet to look up a nice salsa dancing or pottery class. It doesn't suggest going back to the bookshop and trying to have a conversation with the lady that might pity you.
          Now I'm not saying that, that's what I did, I don't want anybody getting the wrong idea here. All I'm saying is if you do go back into the shop while your mum and child sit in the car waiting, look assertive. If you know where things are in the shop head straight for self help and find a copy of Teach Yourself How To Chat Up Woman, give it a once over and avoid getting caught reading it. Don't do this.

Handsome Stranger: “How hot is your coffee?”

Lady with Pity: “It was hotter before”

Handsome Stranger: “It's cooled over time”

Lady with Pity: “Yes it has”

There's nowhere you can go from here. If you have a moustache you can shave and try again. If you don't you can grow one and try again, but this way round takes a little longer.

It's not easy being alone when you're not really alone, you have your child and he is your primary focus. It's hard to be free, easy and available. There are single people growing and shaving moustaches on a daily basis asking girls out who can actually go out. The other single parents will understand this. So maybe ask your mum if she can stay in the car with your child for a few more hours. Head back to the karaoke bar and listen to another broken mans rendition of “My Heart Will Go On” and gently weep to yourself. When he is finished give him a hug take the mic and break out “Waterloo”.

Hopefully he will stick around till you finish.

How To Become A Great Single Parent: Part 2-Riot Special

photography by Jon Baker

Take a look at your child’s face. Maybe when he's sleeping, then he won't ask you for stuff. He looks pretty nice. Now shut your eyes and push yourself ten years into the future. It's hard to imagine this child will probably stumble home drunk and puke on your face mistaking you for a toilet bowl. Ah, you can't beat a projected memory. Now move forward another five, it's hard to imagine this little furry bundle air chewing in his sleep, who once awake will be totally dependant on you, will never phone you again. In the past he may have phoned, to ask for money, but this is the future and if recent events have proved anything it's that kids today are independent free thinking creatures who know what they want and know how to get it. In my day I had to save up my pocket money to buy a thousand frozen pasties from Gregs. “You can keep your money Granddad” they will say when you try and give em a fiver to buy a paper. “But I'm your Dad” you will reply. Man, kids in the future are stupid.

Now the riots that have taken place over the last few days have taught me a lot. Most significantly my responsibility as a parent. You can imagine my smugness, that only the other week I had purchased a copy of “Teach Yourself: How To Be a Be a Great Single Parent”. And let it be noted nearly made a cashier lady feel sorry for me. Result. Over the last few weeks I'd placed the book next to my bed and I could feel the information seeping into my brain as I slept. I woke to find myself definitely slightly greater a parent than when I was sleeping every time. However since recent events it felt like it was time to take action.I opened the book and scanned the acknowledgements, and I was impressed with the list of image credits considering disappointingly there are only two, and they are on the front and back covers. Everyone knows a good book needs a picture in the middle for light relief from all the reading. In this instance I would suggest something like...

“and here are what some single parents could look like...”

This gives the reader a goal to reach. I don't know what these publishers are thinking sometimes.

I switched on the TV which is like a book but with moving images, and commercials. Some argue that this isn't true, but it's unadvisable to dunk either in a bath and so this proves effectively they are the same. I watched in horror as little hooded munchkins terrorised the city. At first It seemed there was a political message being thrown out onto the streets, but it slowly diluted to a chavvy version of Supermarket Sweep. Were people who unfortunately couldn't think beyond their own surroundings started stealing from their own community and neighbours. Trying to be a great single parent I had to switch off the television, I decided I should go check where my own four year old was before I found him on the news coming out of a Clintons with a box of get well soon cards. Luckily I caught him just on his way out.

I suppose when Channel 4 commissioned the first Big Brother or when Simon Cowell began the X Factor they failed to register the idea that kids will continue to be born, and that they will be bought up with the understanding that every talentless individual has a right to realise their dream. If they are criticised they are allowed to shout back. I mean the X Factor is really bad advert for the respect kids have for their elders. You have your judges who I guess represent some sort of wisdom, they tell you that you are shit and then you retort with Fuck you and stomp off. Sometimes you need to accept your shit. It's hard, I know, I've been trying to for years, and finally I'm coming to terms with it. There have been too many years of people being told they can have what they want, and it isn't true. Johnny Depp can have what he wants. Most people have to work at things to realise a fraction of their dreams. I wouldn't be surprised if some bright spark in television world comes up with some sort of looting game show in the vein of the Krypton Factor.It would make for a great obstacle course round. I guess that's the problem it's opportunism on every level. I can't talk as I try and flog my bits of crap on e-bay for as much money as possible, when they would be happier suited in a tip. Everybody has been trying to squeeze out something from nothing for too long.

So I'm just gonna sit here and look at my child’s face while he sleeps and dreams about the stuff he wants.Carefully I will place a dictionary by his bed and fingers crossed he will at least demand it with eloquence.

HOW TO BECOME A GREAT SINGLE PARENT

People say you drink to forget, does it work? I don't know, in some ways maybe yes. I drank and forgot my name, I drank and forgot my address I drank and forgot to blow out the aromatic candles I bought, in my life defining attempt at change. But the drinking never seemed to remove the empty feeling that comes with accepting that the ladies gone. Don't worry she's not dead, she's just stepped over to the right, just that little bit out of reach. A lot of people say “you should go for a run, it will make you feel better”. So I drank a lot and went for a run, these people should explain that the two things are not designed to be done in tandem. They should also point out that when you go for a run you need to leave your house. I woke up hours later muscles and limbs bruised and swollen almost three metres from the sofa where I had begun. Cursing my Converse for they really are not an adequate running shoe. I finished the wine I had left in my glass and thought...”something needs to change”.

Though there is an argument that being a good single parent means making sure you have angled the cigarette smoke away from your childs face, there are a couple more things you can do. That is if you want to become a GREAT single parent. It's often tough to commit to such aspirations but come on. You've hit an all time low. If your going to fail and disappoint yourself, why not get it all done in one fell swoop? The first step to becoming a GREAT single parent involves going to a reputable bookshop and buying the book “Teach Yourself How To Be a Great Single Parent”. This book is the most suitable thing in the shop for telling you what you may need to know on this subject. Ideally take your child to the bookshop with you, this way you are inviting strangers into your world just by holding the book with the ridiculously indiscreet title. At least if anyone hot is in the shop they will understand your available. One of the downsides of being a single parent is that your child usually gives the impression that you are far from single. You don't need to feel guilty about seeking attention, of course you are still distraught over your break up, it's just nice to get some attention. There' a a six in ten chance if anyone did speak to you, you'd probably fart then cry and that would be that. Without your child you may look like a weirdo reading up on the subject so your prepared in case it happens in the future. That's a weird thing to prepare for. As I say there are few opportunities as a single parent to really flaunt yourself, so don't waste this opportunity. Make sure everyone you want to know, knows you are definitely buying that book.

Hopefully you haven't had to wait an hour for the most passable member of staff to be available to serve you. Place your book on the counter and sigh. If your lucky she may say something like “I'm sorry” and if your lucky you will say “don't be, it's a positive beginning rather than a painful end”. You will hopefully have read this on page four of the book when you were flicking through earlier. Leave with your head held high believing you've walked out with her saying to herself “I've just met the next Erin Brokavich”. Don't think about the fact that you took no contact details. Now when you get home stick the kid in front of the TV and begin improving yourself. Now most people know that there is nothing in these books that you don't already know. Also everyone knows that they will hate to identify with anything which is written for mass appeal. Who wants to realise that their depressing break up is the same as a million other break ups. No thanks. Open the book read the words you like...Denial, control,Anger...all great words. The book is definitley not a waste of money. Just read the words in the order you choose and take from it what you want to understand. Remember you're free now, the book is not the boss of you. Occasionally you may read a sentence with the words in the order they were intended to be read in. You may find yourself relating to what it says and weeping uncontrollably. If you find this happens a lot you may need to go back and pick up the sister book titled, Teach Yourself How To Cope With The Book Teach Yourself How To Be A Great Single Parent. When purchasing this one you may look a little mentally unstable. Also you don't want that staff lady to think bad of you, so at least throw in a text book on contaminated water ( I'm sure that is something that exists). If that girl knows her Erin Brokavich this will no end seal the deal and your wussy book will slip into the bag unnoticed. She may write her number on your arm, try not to walk out in a fart trail.

Part two will follow when I read the rest of the book...