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Sunday, 4 September 2011


Dear my Best Friend

           I don't know who you are yet because this is the future, and we haven't actually lived it out, and so I apologise for not being more descriptive with the name bit at the top of this letter. I'm sure you can appreciate “best friend” to be a weighty accolade and for that reason I have chosen to not waste it willy nilly. So if you find yourself reading this, then it's you. As you know I am a very serious person, and I say and do what I mean. Which is why I do very little, though thinking about it I say a lot. So perhaps some discrepancies may prove apparent when you trace back through my life. If you're reading this then yes I'm dead. I'm not happy about it either, to be honest i'm pissed off.
                I mean I was probably just sitting, just sitting and then poof I was gone. In a slow release gust of air, like releasing the air from a tyre. Not even a balloon which at least would have me do one last bit of flapping about before smashing into a wall. I was probably sat on the sofa watching David Dickinson's Real Deal. If this is the case can we please say I was in the middle of Fitzcarraldo. I've been meaning to watch a Herzog film for twelve years and let's face it knowing my luck I would have probably passed away the moment I finally got round to watching it. Typical. Also please  remove the Twiglets, the bag is probably finished so just discard the evidence. No one needs to know about another's snacking. While I remember I should say I really appreciate you organising all this for me, I'm presuming my children are too successful and upset to be able to cope with giving me a fitting send off. You were always the one who knew me best and if your a girl I'm sorry if I ever squeezed your boobs,or even thought about doing it.
         Here I have laid out the finer details for the event to make sure you too can enjoy what will be a memorable occasion. Remember chin up, and try and enjoy what is meant to be a festival of life.

9.00am ...Arrive at cemetery. Be greeted by a juggler. I could never juggle. It's a fun word juggle and people don't usually say it at funerals. It will instantly lift the mood. Stand in line and get your face painted. I haven't actually spoken to the Face Paint people, but I'm hoping they can do a deal on funerals. There will be no restrictions on what face you choose. Except no sad clown faces, and no Elephants. My boy once asked for an Elephant and it doesn't really work. It kinda ends up looking like a giant penis on the side of your face. This isn't the occasion for that kind of toilet humour.

10.00am ...Breakfast will be served. I don't want to have peoples stomaches grumbling through the show. Hire a Hot Dog Vendor, make sure he has sauerkraut, and sauce. Also make sure he/she is well hidden behind a tree, all will be made apparent shortly.

10.15 ...We will gather by my tombstone. Times have been tough recently and to pay for it I had to get sponsorship so don't be alarmed by the McDonald's golden arches symbol that's been engraved into the stone. I agreed to that, though I did fight my corner and refused permission of the words “I'm lovin it” being written below. You would have been proud of me then. I really stood my ground there... and now I'm in the ground...Brilliant.
It's difficult to choose what would be a suitable song for the coffin going down. You can't really beat the emotional punch of Journey's “Don't Stop Believing” it truly is magnifique. Celine Dion's “My Heart Will go on” also feels like it has a suitably apt sentiment for the occasion.

11.00...Let my Uncle do his “Pick a card any card trick”, he needs the practice and an audience. disco

12.00...A man dressed as Ronald McDonald, hopefully the real Ronald McDonald will arrive to serve lunch. Happy Meals for everyone. Make sure your not all fobbed off with the same toys. Place the trays on top of the Tombstone a member of staff will be round to collect it later. I'm not sure how I feel about allowing McDonalds to sponser this party, I have to be honest about that. I grew up with Kurt Cobain teaching me to say no to advertising at all costs, (not that anyone was asking me), but nothing seems to really matter anymore and people forget about stuff anyway. So with the money I saved I bought myself an Ipad and took it down with me. You know, in case I wake up. Or reform, Or whatever might happen in the further future. I bought the most hi tech one so I won't be too out of the loop and able to catch up with eveything.

13.00...I've allocated an hour for lunch, but a McDonald's shouldn't really take you more than three minutes to eat. So I suppose just talk amongst yourselves. Transport should arrive to take you to the Bethnal Green branch  where they have specially cordoned off an area for a slide show. Pick yourself up a drink and help yourself to a complimentary straw. I'm very pleased with the show I have put together, It is entitled “Things I Thought I might do” half of it is stills from Fitzcarraldo, but don't worry there is a spoiler alert.

Ok now go to the pub.

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