HYDE AND SIKH in a Mysterious Mystery(filler title while i work out what the hell is going on)...Part 1

Hyde and Sikh

1. Hyde

It was not a good time to be alive. Hyde would stare at the moon and kick an imaginary can in frustration as he thought about all the injustice in the world. As the wind blew gently, indifferent to his torment. Once a few months back, when particularly aggrieved with the injustices of the world he missed the imaginary can and kicked the curb. That hurt pretty bad and in frustration Hyde pulled out his gun and tried to shoot the guilty leg. Failing to get a clean shot he arrested the leg and dragged himself to the station to dip it in a cell.

            The times they were changing and Hyde was not willing to reset his Swatch. Even though his escapades with his own body had earnt him a transfer from his home in New York to Rotherhithe, a residential district in inner southeast London (and part of the London Borough of Southwark (Google). He was literally five hours late for work everyday. As I say he was not willing to reset his Swatch. Or accept the fact that he was in Rotherhithe. No one could tell Hyde what to do, he was a cop like they don’t make anymore. Ignorant, arrogant, misogynistic, he was all those things like the rest of them, but Hyde wore a moustache too. It was a big one; it looked as if he had stapled a cat to his face. Somehow this didn’t deter the woman in the bars who would swarm to him like flies to shit.  Sensitive souls looking for a woman to share their lives with would sit in silent awe and watch as Hyde told woman after woman night after night that they meant less to him than a Hot Dog. And they cried into their ales as every night Hyde vacated the premises armed with ladies. His self-assurance served him well. This was a man who was angry at a world which was making the printed word redundant, whilst readily admitting with great glee that he had not once wasted his time reading a book.

2.

            The Minute hand on the clock hit the hour mark, “Right boys, it’s lunch” said the constable without missing a beat.            A gentle breeze filled the room as the policeman all started shuffling their papers in unison. The waft from the papers suddenly blew back the other way as the doors swung open aggressively.” What’s up with you fuckers, you always start the day with lunch?”  Hyde was in the building.  “ It’s One o’ clock Hyde, you’re five hours late…again!” retorted the constable. “Anyone ever tell you lunch is for wimps?”  Hyde asked while deliberately looking at a person he wasn’t talking to.

“You told us yesterday when you came in late …again!” one of the police officers patted the constable on the back. The constable wanted to high five him because he was happy with the way the discourse was developing, but he was scared to attempt one in front of an American. Especially such an intensely angry and unreasonable one. “ You have to accept it Hyde, this isn’t New York anymore, you’re in Rotherhithe”. As the Constable spoke Hyde placed a cigarette in each of his two ears and screamed “aaaaaaaaaaa”

“ I want you to meet Baljinder Singh, he’s going to be your partner for the rest of your stay” The Constable pointed at an unassuming man sitting at a desk in the far corner of the now empty room. “Now there’s a ham sandwich with my name on it”.

“Hold up! Ball Digger who?” Hyde pulled out the cigarettes from his ears, he pointed one of them at Baljinder, “what is that?”

“That is your new partner, I want you to introduce yourself”

“Now chief you know I’m a plain talking guy, I just say what I see, no beating about the bush”

“Yeah I’ve noticed,” said the Constable taking one step closer to a Ham sandwich.

“Well that’s a coloured guy, and he’s not even black, do you know how confusing this is for a white American stereotype?”

(To be continued)

THE TROUBLE WITH BEING A "DEEP GUY"

PHOTO OF AN EXCEPTIONALLY 'DEEP GUY' /this was a bad time, it looks like a man whose going to have a breakdown and heartattack at the same time, thanks for capturing it JON BAKER

          I stepped outside and looked up into a clear blue sky, it’s a good day, I nodded to myself. Or is it? I always question everything. It’s one of the burdens of being a “Deep Guy” The sun suddenly starts to pierce my eyelids and I stare down into the ground as I struggle to get my focus back. Why is the sunshine regarded as such a positive force I think to myself? It’s not trustworthy. I mean how can I trust something I can’t even look in the face? If the sun were a human being it would not be my friend. He/She would be giving me evils for the whole night as I desperately squirm around looking for some focus away from He/She’s glare. Why must he/she be so angry with her/his penetrating heat and glaring light? Clearly the sun had some unresolved issues from its childhood, why had it chosen me to punish? Well I just don’t know. But hey, when you’re a “Deep Guy” and consistently sensitive to the communal anxieties that form what we call a “society” you tend to be the first to get your eyes burnt. I can sniff out tension in a room like some people can smell dog shit on a shoe. I can also smell dog shit on a shoe. I have often been complimented on the versatility that comes with my sense of smell. As I stood bent down trying to regain some composure, I had already decided that though the street looked very pleasant and the people looked nice in their fewer clothes than usual, something just was not right. As a “Deep guy” it’s difficult to appreciate anything simply on it’s aesthetic value and yeah maybe that makes you a bit of a stick in the mud on the majority of a hundred percent of occasions, but hey, that’s the price you pay for always being right.

            Finally the black dots were clearing up and my vision began to come to. In the near distance I could hear the weeping of a small child, I was half sure the child was a girl. My eyes were now following a dried urine trail on the pavement and slowly weaving in and out of that was a new white liquid. I looked to my left to find the rest of a 99 sitting slowly fading into this flirty dance with a piss trail. I picked out the Flake.  I could only imagine an over zealous lick had pushed the body of the Ice Cream away from its cone base and onto the floor. I’m no detective but this must have been what happened. But who could explain the Ice Creams desire once free; to so openly flirt with another mans discharge? What we were looking at here was the equivalent of the Nabokov story Lolita. The vigour and youth of the agile young ice cream slipping and sliding between the stale smelly stagnant old mans weakness, seducing and illuminating his sense of worth. This may be an inaccurate description of the book. I have to admit I haven’t read it. But I could tell from what I was looking at, it wasn’t going to end well and so crossed it off my reading list instantly. 

I suddenly jumped my head out of my musings and focused back on the weeping girl. I had to hold back my own tears, as a “Deep guy” the disappointments of melting Ice Cream, along with other forms of child torture like bursting balloons had always killed me. If there was a God clearly he was a bully for creating such possibilities for childish despair, and having spent time trying to get on with some bullies in my life I didn’t have any left for a giant invisible one. I handed the girl the Flake and tried to smile, “five second rule” I said and patted her on the head. I turned around wiping a small tear from my cheek, and walked away like a hero. Within seconds it dawned on me by turning around I was walking back on myself. I’d be back in my flat in within seconds. Not wanting to look like a “Deep Guy” who didn’t know where he was going I decided to combine my amending the mistake with a little education for the young mind.  It wasn’t hard for me; the incidents of the last three minutes had really pissed me off. And even though he doesn’t exist, me and God, well we were finished. I approached her “and another thing” I said like Columbo, before denouncing any possibility of God’s existence. I asked if she understood what I was saying. She pulled the Flake that was dangling from the corner of her mouth like a Cuban cigar out and puffed. “God’s an Ass,” she said.  I was pretty sure I had spoken with more fluency than this, but I couldn’t argue with the sentiment of her summarisation. Job done. I shook her hand and said “All the best”. I wasn’t sure why I did that. I turned like a hero. I decided this time to acknowledge the existence of the child’s father. I went to shake his hand but he was not so keen. It transpired the Ice Cream was never hers and he was not very happy with me picking up random chocolate off the floor and putting it into her daughter’s mouth. I apologised and tried to turn like a hero. As I walked the five steps back to my flat I realised I was outside the Catholic school I had applied for on behalf of my son. I wondered if this would affect his application.

Top Ten Adam Sandler RomComs That Never Saw The Light Of Day

The Window Cleaner

Adam Sandler plays David Sprockett a window cleaner with a difference. He has a fear of the outdoors, so he only cleans the inside windows. He strikes a bond with one of his clients Belinda (Eva Mendes) while cleaning in her flat. With her help he learns to embrace the streets. Soon he finds himself making double the money as he can now clean both sides of the windows. With his newfound wealth he dumps Belinda only to realise the error of his ways when he locks himself out his house.

Fill Her UP

Adam Sandler plays Louis Dilbert a simple Gas Pump Attendant who dreams of becoming a Petrol Station Manager. His life plans are turned upside down when he falls in love with a girl who has one of those electric cars (Drew Barrymore). Suddenly Louis has to ask himself the big question…”Is there more to life than petrol?”

The Graduate

Adam Sandler remakes the Graduate, and does it in one of his trademark funny voices. Co-starring Honour Blackman.

No Pleasing Pleasin

Adam Sandler plays Frank Girdle, a nice guy who gets stuck in a lift with a girl called Pleasin. And there’s no pleasing Pleasin.

Another Mans Shoes

Adam Sandler plays Bobby Bickford a sports journalist who wakes up after a party in another mans shoes. As he tries to retrace his steps he comes across a kind substitute teacher Jane Druidzky (Michelle Pfieffer). But is she the wife of the man whose shoes he is wearing? And where are his shoes? And why would there have been a situation in which this mix up could happen?

Let’s Not Talk About It

Larry Larry(Adam Sandler) has an incredible fear of Skateboards. On top of this he can read the thoughts of woman. One day he falls in love with a pianist, his fear of skateboards will never really come up until roughly seven years into their relationship when she greets it with mild bemusement. Because he can read her mind he is relieved she really doesn’t care about this in the slightest. In the Romantic Comedy critics are labelling” mildly pointless”.

I’m In Love With Your Shadow

Shandy McShane is a social misfit; he can’t bring himself to talk to anyone, and longs to live in another time. The time of silent films. His obsessions with his heroes Buster Keaton and Charlie Chaplin begin to border on the uncontrollable as he loses himself in a world of mime and theatrical performance. To complicate things further he falls passionately in love with the shadow of an undercover cop… and she’s never standing still!

Bad Timing

At the funeral of his wife Chuck Jewder (Adam Sandler) finds himself falling madly in love with a long lost friend of his wife Sally Bloom (Jennifer Anniston). Only it turns out Sally is at the wrong Funeral, and never even knew his wife. Chucks friends try and point out that the fact she wasn’t his wife’s friend doesn’t make it fair game, at least not on Funeral day. But hey in the words of Chuck “when the heart speaks it also sticks it’s fingers in its ears and opens its mouth and goes ahhhhhhhhh”

The Really Happy Guy

Bradley Bixley (Adam Sandler) is a really happy guy, the kind of guy who plays the lottery every week and has never won a cent but says,”It’s not about the winning it’s all about the taking part”. One day he falls in love with Raquel form work (Lindsey Lohan) and slowly his life turns to hell.

I’ll Meet Me In Ten Minutes

In this Hilarious period drama Buxton Conroy (Adam Sandler) plays the first guy to get a mobile phone in the late 1980s. As he desperately tries to rearrange set plans he made with his girlfriend from the week before he realises he is the only person on the other line. The phone breaks them apart, as he no longer can stick to a planned arrangement. Until ten years later when he calls a wrong number and it’s her on the line. Can the thing that broke them apart bring them back together?

SO YOU'VE CHOSEN A LIFE AS A POET

So you've chosen a life as a poet huh? We can't all be poets you know. Some of us have got what it takes and some of us doesn't.

  I'm sorry, what can I say? I guess I'm just one of the lucky ones. If we were all good enough to be poets no one would be up to turn on the self checkout machines in Tesco's. Then the world would explode. I mean yeah, I can appreciate it's annoying for you that not only can I connect with the human psyche so naturally and tell you exactly how to feel, but I also have the balls and fighting skills to smash in any fool who upsets my woman. I can see that, it seems unfair, but you will find your "special purpose" and if your lucky it won't be minimum wage. Anyway if you are going to take the misguided step and try, here are some examples of award winning poetry. I won the best poet in my house in the early hours of Monday morning prize. My flatmate Jon is going to present me the prize in the morning when I tell him I won it.

                                              Do You Want To Go and Feed The Ducks

                                                                      They said

                                                  “Your so funny, don't go changing”

                                                                         I said

                                                     “Ok, but I don't feel that great”

                                                                     They said

                                       “we know, but that's what makes you so funny”

                                                                         I said

                                              “Ok, do you want to go feed the ducks?”

                                                                      They said

                                                                     “Not today”

 

          

                                                                  I Went To Ikea Once

                                                                    I went to Ikea once

                                                            I bought a hot dog, and a coffee

                                                                The coffee was crazy hot,

                                                                I put ketchup on the hotdog

                                                                         and mustard

                                                                      or at least I think...

                                                                        It was mustard

                                                                       It was white 

                                                                    I ate the hot dog............

                                                                  ….....................................

                                                                  in silence..........................

                                                                  ….....................................

                                                                        next to a man

                                                                     eating a hot dog in …...

                                                                    …...........silence............

                                                                      I cursed the coffee

                                                                       It was crazy hot

                                                             I wouldn't be drinking that for an hour.

                                                              I walked through the ailes of Ikea

                                                                           I looked at rugs

                                                                               and candles

                                                                        and bathroom scales

                                                                             and I thought

                                                                                     …

                                                                                   one day,

                                                                    one day I will have a house.

 

  

                                                                       Bad Director

                                                            I have dreams when I'm awake

                                                           They are better when I'm awake

                                                         I have full editorial control on them

                                               The guy directing my dreams when I'm asleep

                                                                           He's a dick

                                                            A Conversation I'm Having

                                 “Did you learn your lesson?”

                                                                                    no

                                                                                     I made the same mistake again

                                                  “well, that happens”

                                                                                        yeah

                                                                                        all the time

                     “well, as long as your always learning”

                                                                                         yeah but

                                                                                         clearly I'm not?

                                                                     “Ok, Bye”

Ok so now you know how it's done, guess I'll see you at the next poets read off. Goodnight. x

HOW I LOST SCARLETT JOHANSSON

How To Become A Great Single Parent: Part 2-Riot Special

photography by Jon Baker

Take a look at your child’s face. Maybe when he's sleeping, then he won't ask you for stuff. He looks pretty nice. Now shut your eyes and push yourself ten years into the future. It's hard to imagine this child will probably stumble home drunk and puke on your face mistaking you for a toilet bowl. Ah, you can't beat a projected memory. Now move forward another five, it's hard to imagine this little furry bundle air chewing in his sleep, who once awake will be totally dependant on you, will never phone you again. In the past he may have phoned, to ask for money, but this is the future and if recent events have proved anything it's that kids today are independent free thinking creatures who know what they want and know how to get it. In my day I had to save up my pocket money to buy a thousand frozen pasties from Gregs. “You can keep your money Granddad” they will say when you try and give em a fiver to buy a paper. “But I'm your Dad” you will reply. Man, kids in the future are stupid.

Now the riots that have taken place over the last few days have taught me a lot. Most significantly my responsibility as a parent. You can imagine my smugness, that only the other week I had purchased a copy of “Teach Yourself: How To Be a Be a Great Single Parent”. And let it be noted nearly made a cashier lady feel sorry for me. Result. Over the last few weeks I'd placed the book next to my bed and I could feel the information seeping into my brain as I slept. I woke to find myself definitely slightly greater a parent than when I was sleeping every time. However since recent events it felt like it was time to take action.I opened the book and scanned the acknowledgements, and I was impressed with the list of image credits considering disappointingly there are only two, and they are on the front and back covers. Everyone knows a good book needs a picture in the middle for light relief from all the reading. In this instance I would suggest something like...

“and here are what some single parents could look like...”

This gives the reader a goal to reach. I don't know what these publishers are thinking sometimes.

I switched on the TV which is like a book but with moving images, and commercials. Some argue that this isn't true, but it's unadvisable to dunk either in a bath and so this proves effectively they are the same. I watched in horror as little hooded munchkins terrorised the city. At first It seemed there was a political message being thrown out onto the streets, but it slowly diluted to a chavvy version of Supermarket Sweep. Were people who unfortunately couldn't think beyond their own surroundings started stealing from their own community and neighbours. Trying to be a great single parent I had to switch off the television, I decided I should go check where my own four year old was before I found him on the news coming out of a Clintons with a box of get well soon cards. Luckily I caught him just on his way out.

I suppose when Channel 4 commissioned the first Big Brother or when Simon Cowell began the X Factor they failed to register the idea that kids will continue to be born, and that they will be bought up with the understanding that every talentless individual has a right to realise their dream. If they are criticised they are allowed to shout back. I mean the X Factor is really bad advert for the respect kids have for their elders. You have your judges who I guess represent some sort of wisdom, they tell you that you are shit and then you retort with Fuck you and stomp off. Sometimes you need to accept your shit. It's hard, I know, I've been trying to for years, and finally I'm coming to terms with it. There have been too many years of people being told they can have what they want, and it isn't true. Johnny Depp can have what he wants. Most people have to work at things to realise a fraction of their dreams. I wouldn't be surprised if some bright spark in television world comes up with some sort of looting game show in the vein of the Krypton Factor.It would make for a great obstacle course round. I guess that's the problem it's opportunism on every level. I can't talk as I try and flog my bits of crap on e-bay for as much money as possible, when they would be happier suited in a tip. Everybody has been trying to squeeze out something from nothing for too long.

So I'm just gonna sit here and look at my child’s face while he sleeps and dreams about the stuff he wants.Carefully I will place a dictionary by his bed and fingers crossed he will at least demand it with eloquence.

Bad Party Vibes

“We come into this world alone, and we die alone.” A man said that to me once . I think he had got it from a film. But he nodded to himself and spat  out his cigarette and faced me with a look of beleaguered experience. As if to suggest he had somehow already made this momentous round trip on his own, and come back to spread the disappointing news. It seemed an inappropriate moment to ask him where he had got his hat from. It was nice. It's hard to look like an authentic cowboy in London. I wanted to suggest all the tragic circumstances where people haven't died alone. All the Tsunami's, the earthquakes, road accidents, the 9/11's. But I got distracted thinking one day all those words plurulaised will make for most innappropriate band names. To be honest I really didn't want to be talking about death at all. So I just kept quiet and took a sip off my juice. As a rainbow coloured balloon slowly drifted past us I felt tempted to ask the cowboy how he'd got his invitation. But he burried his head in his hands and seemed to start weeping, the way real men know how to weep. My son came over and blew a party whistle into his face. I looked at him and thought, this is the last time we hold a kids birthday party in a cemetery.

HOW TO BECOME A GREAT SINGLE PARENT

People say you drink to forget, does it work? I don't know, in some ways maybe yes. I drank and forgot my name, I drank and forgot my address I drank and forgot to blow out the aromatic candles I bought, in my life defining attempt at change. But the drinking never seemed to remove the empty feeling that comes with accepting that the ladies gone. Don't worry she's not dead, she's just stepped over to the right, just that little bit out of reach. A lot of people say “you should go for a run, it will make you feel better”. So I drank a lot and went for a run, these people should explain that the two things are not designed to be done in tandem. They should also point out that when you go for a run you need to leave your house. I woke up hours later muscles and limbs bruised and swollen almost three metres from the sofa where I had begun. Cursing my Converse for they really are not an adequate running shoe. I finished the wine I had left in my glass and thought...”something needs to change”.

Though there is an argument that being a good single parent means making sure you have angled the cigarette smoke away from your childs face, there are a couple more things you can do. That is if you want to become a GREAT single parent. It's often tough to commit to such aspirations but come on. You've hit an all time low. If your going to fail and disappoint yourself, why not get it all done in one fell swoop? The first step to becoming a GREAT single parent involves going to a reputable bookshop and buying the book “Teach Yourself How To Be a Great Single Parent”. This book is the most suitable thing in the shop for telling you what you may need to know on this subject. Ideally take your child to the bookshop with you, this way you are inviting strangers into your world just by holding the book with the ridiculously indiscreet title. At least if anyone hot is in the shop they will understand your available. One of the downsides of being a single parent is that your child usually gives the impression that you are far from single. You don't need to feel guilty about seeking attention, of course you are still distraught over your break up, it's just nice to get some attention. There' a a six in ten chance if anyone did speak to you, you'd probably fart then cry and that would be that. Without your child you may look like a weirdo reading up on the subject so your prepared in case it happens in the future. That's a weird thing to prepare for. As I say there are few opportunities as a single parent to really flaunt yourself, so don't waste this opportunity. Make sure everyone you want to know, knows you are definitely buying that book.

Hopefully you haven't had to wait an hour for the most passable member of staff to be available to serve you. Place your book on the counter and sigh. If your lucky she may say something like “I'm sorry” and if your lucky you will say “don't be, it's a positive beginning rather than a painful end”. You will hopefully have read this on page four of the book when you were flicking through earlier. Leave with your head held high believing you've walked out with her saying to herself “I've just met the next Erin Brokavich”. Don't think about the fact that you took no contact details. Now when you get home stick the kid in front of the TV and begin improving yourself. Now most people know that there is nothing in these books that you don't already know. Also everyone knows that they will hate to identify with anything which is written for mass appeal. Who wants to realise that their depressing break up is the same as a million other break ups. No thanks. Open the book read the words you like...Denial, control,Anger...all great words. The book is definitley not a waste of money. Just read the words in the order you choose and take from it what you want to understand. Remember you're free now, the book is not the boss of you. Occasionally you may read a sentence with the words in the order they were intended to be read in. You may find yourself relating to what it says and weeping uncontrollably. If you find this happens a lot you may need to go back and pick up the sister book titled, Teach Yourself How To Cope With The Book Teach Yourself How To Be A Great Single Parent. When purchasing this one you may look a little mentally unstable. Also you don't want that staff lady to think bad of you, so at least throw in a text book on contaminated water ( I'm sure that is something that exists). If that girl knows her Erin Brokavich this will no end seal the deal and your wussy book will slip into the bag unnoticed. She may write her number on your arm, try not to walk out in a fart trail.

Part two will follow when I read the rest of the book...

Another Life Lesson Learnt Too late

The other day I was receiving important instructions before I began an important job doing the night shift serving Jaeger bombs to thirsty people. While receiving these instructions the instructor stopped and said "why do you smell funny?" This worried me, it's difficult to answer. I said "What can you smell?" She said "fish". Now I've recently become a single and broken embittered man and my brain isn't working as well as it should, regardless it was instantly clear to me that smelling like fish was not a proven good first impression. I had arrived at my work which was very important having eaten a piece of Haddock but in this moment it felt it would be terrible to admit that. Instead I chose to look confused, and plead total confusion as to why I should have this stench attached to me. She replied ambivalently with "Oh I thought maybe you had come from a barbecue". It suddenly dawned on me it would be Ok to admit to having eaten. It would definitely beat being the guy who smells fishy for no reason. I thought about this all the way through my important job satisfying the people, I didn't let it distract me as I am very good at my important job. But I learnt a lesson that honesty is the best policy on some occasions.

Dating With Sainsbury's

Hi everybody this is Carrie Bradshaw you know the one from Sex And The City, I drink cocktails with my sassy pals and talk about people's penises. Hang on is that a word? What's the plural for Penis is it Peni? I could google it but what's the point in knowing everything? Call me bitter but I kind of miss the old days when the option of finding out was a bit more difficult and I didn't have to be exposed for being too lazy to type into a search box. Shit I've given myself away it's not Carrie Bradshaw it's me Babak Ganjei. I'm just a guy with a laptop and the Sex And The City theme tune on loop for inspiration. So anyway I got to thinking if the only place I ever go is the Supermarket what can I do to make myself look interesting to the opposite sex (you notice I used the word “interesting” as opposed to attractive. I'm just happy to be of interest). So let me try and impart you with some useful advice to help you in the art of potentially picking up a suitor while getting some food (this is the small print just to warn you nothing that follows has so far led to anything you could call success).You're already fighting a losing battle with the shopping basket under your arm, it's not exactly manly, unless of course if your comfortable in your own skin, in which case everything you do looks self assured and simple and congratulations to you for that.

The first thing you do before you go to Sainsbury's is bath. You're a single parent now(you might not be) and you're not going to go anywhere else(this only applies if your a single parent), so if this is the only place someone is going to see you, you may as well look clean. The supermarket is a great place to pretend you are in total control of your life. Each item can speak volumes about your character which is why it's important to only buy things you don't want to eat. It's probably a good idea to spend as much time as possible in the fruit sections. If you buy lots of fruits people will presume you have a blender and that you are going to make smoothies. How else are you going to get through all that fruit? It can do you no harm to be regarded as a smoothie maker, it's the sign of an aspirational healthy focused mind. Make sure your vegetables are bright and vibrant and you have a good range of colour. People may not instantly appreciate it but it indicates a strong artistic eye, and a sense of style and that shouldn't be taken for granted. Now make sure your noticed looking at the herbs. Not the small little bags of herbs which are already more herbs than you need but the annoying to carry plants in a pot. This will show a commitment to real cooking, and not just microwaving which is another form of cooking. Make sure you get your face in their and smell the thing so you have an inkling what it is you are buying. Once you have your herb pot and your kilos of fruits and veg make sure you parade yourself around a little so people appreciate what it is you have done.

Now it's important you know exactly what you need to be seen buying from this point on and do it in a linear fashion. No turning back on yourself. If you have realised you forgot the capers silently curse to yourself and accept capers are now for another time. You don't want to be seen traipsing around dazed and confused in the store. You are in control. Pick up a baguette as opposed to regular sliced bread. It will instantly give the impression of a more open minded well travelled being. It also has a more powerful suggestive shape. However when picking out the baguette don't attach it to your crotch and pretend it's your penis. If you can't resist the joke, it's best to avoid making eye contact with anybody and giving them a thumbs up. Connoisseurs of this move will tell you it's much funnier with something of colour anyway, an Aubergine, or a courgette, for ultimate subtlety perhaps a fine green bean. Now storm on and pick out some soft cheese, it doesn't matter what as long as it is not Brie that is too obvious, perhaps something with a vein in it.

Dips are important, they suggest a more relaxed approach to feeding yourself, a bit more tapas and a little less Steak House. However what dip can be tricky and needs to be chosen with care. Houmous has been reclaimed by the Graphic Designer market and you don't really want to go there. The Cheese and Chive one offers no real sophistication, and Guacamole suggests you might be having a frat party. I would suggest you go for a small jar of black olive tapenade. People don't seem to know what it is, it comes in a glass jar and is small. For some reason all these things are a positive. Perhaps have a wander into the pet food section and pick out a dog toy, it won't hurt to be regarded as someone who may potentially have a puppy. You can go for a cat toy if you prefer, but dogs seem to be more affectionate and you want to create an image in people's minds of you sitting with your puppy licking your face as you are trying to dip a celery stick into a little black jar while trying to read the new Jonathan Franzan novel. Now i'm not a lady so I can't vouch for them but I'm presuming this image is a step in the right direction for you. Although it is worth remembering that if you do achieve any success with this operation make sure you hide the collection of dog toys you have amassed on previous trips. You will look weird enough having bought just the one when it is clear you don't actually have a dog.

When you get to the refrigerated sections it is important not to get caught out checking your hairline at the mirrored bits on the end. It's probably in the same position as when you left the house fifteen minutes ago. However if you find you have in fact gone back a couple of inches since you set off drop the basket and run across the road, there is a Herbal Inn situated there waiting for this exact moment of crisis. Though seriously, as I said before this rarely happens. Probably nine out of ten times you will get back from the supermarket looking the same as you did when you left the house. The supermarket is not your bathroom which is the ideal place to lock away your vanity, so DO NOT treat it as one. This is also why you should move as quickly as possible through the toiletries aisle. Make sure you look like you know exactly what you want, throw it in your basket and move on. Looking decisive will suggest you have a thoroughly well planned hygiene programme. Spending ten minutes comparing zesty lime shower gel over relaxing eucalyptus ones suggests your bathing is reserved for special occasions.You don't need any of them just one giant white bar of soap, now head straight to the alcohol. This should really be your last stop. Ok so you don't have anything of note to eat in your basket but that's ok your here to make a statement. Now disregard beer from the off, we are only really interested in picking out wine, you will earn respect with your knowledge of grapes . The safest way to look like you know what you are doing is to make sure you are caught picking up the most expensive bottle on the shelf. Before you get to the checkout you can replace it with the wine in the mega deal. No one will remember the label, but they will remember your dedication to good wine and willingness to invest. In no way get tempted into going for the multi buy deal. Being a wino is a turn off, you can pick some more up on the way home and there is no point ruining all your good work so far to save a few pounds.

You should now have a basket laden with all the things people want to see from you, if you have done this correctly the basket will be too heavy to carry and you are now kicking it towards the check out. Take a glance at whose behind you in the que before admitting to having a loyalty card. Sometimes it's good to look disloyal. Pay and leave with your head held up. Once home unpack the bags if you want. Pace around until you've hit an appropriate time to open the wine. Ten paces around should do it. Think back about all your good work, how you went out there and gave a good account of yourself and that over an accumulated period this will pay off dividends. Once the wine is drank celebrate by remembering it's wednesday and you can still get a two for one deal on eighteen inch “Meat Packer” pizzas from the local pizza delivery. It's ok if no one can see you it never really happened.