SO YOU'VE CHOSEN A LIFE AS A POET

So you've chosen a life as a poet huh? We can't all be poets you know. Some of us have got what it takes and some of us doesn't.

  I'm sorry, what can I say? I guess I'm just one of the lucky ones. If we were all good enough to be poets no one would be up to turn on the self checkout machines in Tesco's. Then the world would explode. I mean yeah, I can appreciate it's annoying for you that not only can I connect with the human psyche so naturally and tell you exactly how to feel, but I also have the balls and fighting skills to smash in any fool who upsets my woman. I can see that, it seems unfair, but you will find your "special purpose" and if your lucky it won't be minimum wage. Anyway if you are going to take the misguided step and try, here are some examples of award winning poetry. I won the best poet in my house in the early hours of Monday morning prize. My flatmate Jon is going to present me the prize in the morning when I tell him I won it.

                                              Do You Want To Go and Feed The Ducks

                                                                      They said

                                                  “Your so funny, don't go changing”

                                                                         I said

                                                     “Ok, but I don't feel that great”

                                                                     They said

                                       “we know, but that's what makes you so funny”

                                                                         I said

                                              “Ok, do you want to go feed the ducks?”

                                                                      They said

                                                                     “Not today”

 

          

                                                                  I Went To Ikea Once

                                                                    I went to Ikea once

                                                            I bought a hot dog, and a coffee

                                                                The coffee was crazy hot,

                                                                I put ketchup on the hotdog

                                                                         and mustard

                                                                      or at least I think...

                                                                        It was mustard

                                                                       It was white 

                                                                    I ate the hot dog............

                                                                  ….....................................

                                                                  in silence..........................

                                                                  ….....................................

                                                                        next to a man

                                                                     eating a hot dog in …...

                                                                    …...........silence............

                                                                      I cursed the coffee

                                                                       It was crazy hot

                                                             I wouldn't be drinking that for an hour.

                                                              I walked through the ailes of Ikea

                                                                           I looked at rugs

                                                                               and candles

                                                                        and bathroom scales

                                                                             and I thought

                                                                                     …

                                                                                   one day,

                                                                    one day I will have a house.

 

  

                                                                       Bad Director

                                                            I have dreams when I'm awake

                                                           They are better when I'm awake

                                                         I have full editorial control on them

                                               The guy directing my dreams when I'm asleep

                                                                           He's a dick

                                                            A Conversation I'm Having

                                 “Did you learn your lesson?”

                                                                                    no

                                                                                     I made the same mistake again

                                                  “well, that happens”

                                                                                        yeah

                                                                                        all the time

                     “well, as long as your always learning”

                                                                                         yeah but

                                                                                         clearly I'm not?

                                                                     “Ok, Bye”

Ok so now you know how it's done, guess I'll see you at the next poets read off. Goodnight. x