A Preview From The Next Book(aka Look Mum I Done Work)

Everybody is talking about my next book, it gets really annoying. I can't step out the door anymore without some sort of hassle. It's pretty much destroying my social life. Anyway if you know me you know that regardless of the wreckage it produces I'm a serious artist who puts in a good half hour a day. Here is a preview for the next book which will probably be called "Deep And Tortured". That pretty much sums it up... Oh and if you didn't know you can still buy Hilarious Consequences, At Foyles, Orbital and Gosh in London or on our website here...recordsrecordsrecordsrecords.com				03:51:00	by Babak Ganjei	Delete
	Edit	View	How To Become A Great Sin

How To Become A Great Single Parent: Part 2-Riot Special

photography by Jon Baker

Take a look at your child’s face. Maybe when he's sleeping, then he won't ask you for stuff. He looks pretty nice. Now shut your eyes and push yourself ten years into the future. It's hard to imagine this child will probably stumble home drunk and puke on your face mistaking you for a toilet bowl. Ah, you can't beat a projected memory. Now move forward another five, it's hard to imagine this little furry bundle air chewing in his sleep, who once awake will be totally dependant on you, will never phone you again. In the past he may have phoned, to ask for money, but this is the future and if recent events have proved anything it's that kids today are independent free thinking creatures who know what they want and know how to get it. In my day I had to save up my pocket money to buy a thousand frozen pasties from Gregs. “You can keep your money Granddad” they will say when you try and give em a fiver to buy a paper. “But I'm your Dad” you will reply. Man, kids in the future are stupid.

Now the riots that have taken place over the last few days have taught me a lot. Most significantly my responsibility as a parent. You can imagine my smugness, that only the other week I had purchased a copy of “Teach Yourself: How To Be a Be a Great Single Parent”. And let it be noted nearly made a cashier lady feel sorry for me. Result. Over the last few weeks I'd placed the book next to my bed and I could feel the information seeping into my brain as I slept. I woke to find myself definitely slightly greater a parent than when I was sleeping every time. However since recent events it felt like it was time to take action.I opened the book and scanned the acknowledgements, and I was impressed with the list of image credits considering disappointingly there are only two, and they are on the front and back covers. Everyone knows a good book needs a picture in the middle for light relief from all the reading. In this instance I would suggest something like...

“and here are what some single parents could look like...”

This gives the reader a goal to reach. I don't know what these publishers are thinking sometimes.

I switched on the TV which is like a book but with moving images, and commercials. Some argue that this isn't true, but it's unadvisable to dunk either in a bath and so this proves effectively they are the same. I watched in horror as little hooded munchkins terrorised the city. At first It seemed there was a political message being thrown out onto the streets, but it slowly diluted to a chavvy version of Supermarket Sweep. Were people who unfortunately couldn't think beyond their own surroundings started stealing from their own community and neighbours. Trying to be a great single parent I had to switch off the television, I decided I should go check where my own four year old was before I found him on the news coming out of a Clintons with a box of get well soon cards. Luckily I caught him just on his way out.

I suppose when Channel 4 commissioned the first Big Brother or when Simon Cowell began the X Factor they failed to register the idea that kids will continue to be born, and that they will be bought up with the understanding that every talentless individual has a right to realise their dream. If they are criticised they are allowed to shout back. I mean the X Factor is really bad advert for the respect kids have for their elders. You have your judges who I guess represent some sort of wisdom, they tell you that you are shit and then you retort with Fuck you and stomp off. Sometimes you need to accept your shit. It's hard, I know, I've been trying to for years, and finally I'm coming to terms with it. There have been too many years of people being told they can have what they want, and it isn't true. Johnny Depp can have what he wants. Most people have to work at things to realise a fraction of their dreams. I wouldn't be surprised if some bright spark in television world comes up with some sort of looting game show in the vein of the Krypton Factor.It would make for a great obstacle course round. I guess that's the problem it's opportunism on every level. I can't talk as I try and flog my bits of crap on e-bay for as much money as possible, when they would be happier suited in a tip. Everybody has been trying to squeeze out something from nothing for too long.

So I'm just gonna sit here and look at my child’s face while he sleeps and dreams about the stuff he wants.Carefully I will place a dictionary by his bed and fingers crossed he will at least demand it with eloquence.

Bad Party Vibes

“We come into this world alone, and we die alone.” A man said that to me once . I think he had got it from a film. But he nodded to himself and spat  out his cigarette and faced me with a look of beleaguered experience. As if to suggest he had somehow already made this momentous round trip on his own, and come back to spread the disappointing news. It seemed an inappropriate moment to ask him where he had got his hat from. It was nice. It's hard to look like an authentic cowboy in London. I wanted to suggest all the tragic circumstances where people haven't died alone. All the Tsunami's, the earthquakes, road accidents, the 9/11's. But I got distracted thinking one day all those words plurulaised will make for most innappropriate band names. To be honest I really didn't want to be talking about death at all. So I just kept quiet and took a sip off my juice. As a rainbow coloured balloon slowly drifted past us I felt tempted to ask the cowboy how he'd got his invitation. But he burried his head in his hands and seemed to start weeping, the way real men know how to weep. My son came over and blew a party whistle into his face. I looked at him and thought, this is the last time we hold a kids birthday party in a cemetery.

HOW TO BECOME A GREAT SINGLE PARENT

People say you drink to forget, does it work? I don't know, in some ways maybe yes. I drank and forgot my name, I drank and forgot my address I drank and forgot to blow out the aromatic candles I bought, in my life defining attempt at change. But the drinking never seemed to remove the empty feeling that comes with accepting that the ladies gone. Don't worry she's not dead, she's just stepped over to the right, just that little bit out of reach. A lot of people say “you should go for a run, it will make you feel better”. So I drank a lot and went for a run, these people should explain that the two things are not designed to be done in tandem. They should also point out that when you go for a run you need to leave your house. I woke up hours later muscles and limbs bruised and swollen almost three metres from the sofa where I had begun. Cursing my Converse for they really are not an adequate running shoe. I finished the wine I had left in my glass and thought...”something needs to change”.

Though there is an argument that being a good single parent means making sure you have angled the cigarette smoke away from your childs face, there are a couple more things you can do. That is if you want to become a GREAT single parent. It's often tough to commit to such aspirations but come on. You've hit an all time low. If your going to fail and disappoint yourself, why not get it all done in one fell swoop? The first step to becoming a GREAT single parent involves going to a reputable bookshop and buying the book “Teach Yourself How To Be a Great Single Parent”. This book is the most suitable thing in the shop for telling you what you may need to know on this subject. Ideally take your child to the bookshop with you, this way you are inviting strangers into your world just by holding the book with the ridiculously indiscreet title. At least if anyone hot is in the shop they will understand your available. One of the downsides of being a single parent is that your child usually gives the impression that you are far from single. You don't need to feel guilty about seeking attention, of course you are still distraught over your break up, it's just nice to get some attention. There' a a six in ten chance if anyone did speak to you, you'd probably fart then cry and that would be that. Without your child you may look like a weirdo reading up on the subject so your prepared in case it happens in the future. That's a weird thing to prepare for. As I say there are few opportunities as a single parent to really flaunt yourself, so don't waste this opportunity. Make sure everyone you want to know, knows you are definitely buying that book.

Hopefully you haven't had to wait an hour for the most passable member of staff to be available to serve you. Place your book on the counter and sigh. If your lucky she may say something like “I'm sorry” and if your lucky you will say “don't be, it's a positive beginning rather than a painful end”. You will hopefully have read this on page four of the book when you were flicking through earlier. Leave with your head held high believing you've walked out with her saying to herself “I've just met the next Erin Brokavich”. Don't think about the fact that you took no contact details. Now when you get home stick the kid in front of the TV and begin improving yourself. Now most people know that there is nothing in these books that you don't already know. Also everyone knows that they will hate to identify with anything which is written for mass appeal. Who wants to realise that their depressing break up is the same as a million other break ups. No thanks. Open the book read the words you like...Denial, control,Anger...all great words. The book is definitley not a waste of money. Just read the words in the order you choose and take from it what you want to understand. Remember you're free now, the book is not the boss of you. Occasionally you may read a sentence with the words in the order they were intended to be read in. You may find yourself relating to what it says and weeping uncontrollably. If you find this happens a lot you may need to go back and pick up the sister book titled, Teach Yourself How To Cope With The Book Teach Yourself How To Be A Great Single Parent. When purchasing this one you may look a little mentally unstable. Also you don't want that staff lady to think bad of you, so at least throw in a text book on contaminated water ( I'm sure that is something that exists). If that girl knows her Erin Brokavich this will no end seal the deal and your wussy book will slip into the bag unnoticed. She may write her number on your arm, try not to walk out in a fart trail.

Part two will follow when I read the rest of the book...

Another Life Lesson Learnt Too late

The other day I was receiving important instructions before I began an important job doing the night shift serving Jaeger bombs to thirsty people. While receiving these instructions the instructor stopped and said "why do you smell funny?" This worried me, it's difficult to answer. I said "What can you smell?" She said "fish". Now I've recently become a single and broken embittered man and my brain isn't working as well as it should, regardless it was instantly clear to me that smelling like fish was not a proven good first impression. I had arrived at my work which was very important having eaten a piece of Haddock but in this moment it felt it would be terrible to admit that. Instead I chose to look confused, and plead total confusion as to why I should have this stench attached to me. She replied ambivalently with "Oh I thought maybe you had come from a barbecue". It suddenly dawned on me it would be Ok to admit to having eaten. It would definitely beat being the guy who smells fishy for no reason. I thought about this all the way through my important job satisfying the people, I didn't let it distract me as I am very good at my important job. But I learnt a lesson that honesty is the best policy on some occasions.

Dating With Sainsbury's

Hi everybody this is Carrie Bradshaw you know the one from Sex And The City, I drink cocktails with my sassy pals and talk about people's penises. Hang on is that a word? What's the plural for Penis is it Peni? I could google it but what's the point in knowing everything? Call me bitter but I kind of miss the old days when the option of finding out was a bit more difficult and I didn't have to be exposed for being too lazy to type into a search box. Shit I've given myself away it's not Carrie Bradshaw it's me Babak Ganjei. I'm just a guy with a laptop and the Sex And The City theme tune on loop for inspiration. So anyway I got to thinking if the only place I ever go is the Supermarket what can I do to make myself look interesting to the opposite sex (you notice I used the word “interesting” as opposed to attractive. I'm just happy to be of interest). So let me try and impart you with some useful advice to help you in the art of potentially picking up a suitor while getting some food (this is the small print just to warn you nothing that follows has so far led to anything you could call success).You're already fighting a losing battle with the shopping basket under your arm, it's not exactly manly, unless of course if your comfortable in your own skin, in which case everything you do looks self assured and simple and congratulations to you for that.

The first thing you do before you go to Sainsbury's is bath. You're a single parent now(you might not be) and you're not going to go anywhere else(this only applies if your a single parent), so if this is the only place someone is going to see you, you may as well look clean. The supermarket is a great place to pretend you are in total control of your life. Each item can speak volumes about your character which is why it's important to only buy things you don't want to eat. It's probably a good idea to spend as much time as possible in the fruit sections. If you buy lots of fruits people will presume you have a blender and that you are going to make smoothies. How else are you going to get through all that fruit? It can do you no harm to be regarded as a smoothie maker, it's the sign of an aspirational healthy focused mind. Make sure your vegetables are bright and vibrant and you have a good range of colour. People may not instantly appreciate it but it indicates a strong artistic eye, and a sense of style and that shouldn't be taken for granted. Now make sure your noticed looking at the herbs. Not the small little bags of herbs which are already more herbs than you need but the annoying to carry plants in a pot. This will show a commitment to real cooking, and not just microwaving which is another form of cooking. Make sure you get your face in their and smell the thing so you have an inkling what it is you are buying. Once you have your herb pot and your kilos of fruits and veg make sure you parade yourself around a little so people appreciate what it is you have done.

Now it's important you know exactly what you need to be seen buying from this point on and do it in a linear fashion. No turning back on yourself. If you have realised you forgot the capers silently curse to yourself and accept capers are now for another time. You don't want to be seen traipsing around dazed and confused in the store. You are in control. Pick up a baguette as opposed to regular sliced bread. It will instantly give the impression of a more open minded well travelled being. It also has a more powerful suggestive shape. However when picking out the baguette don't attach it to your crotch and pretend it's your penis. If you can't resist the joke, it's best to avoid making eye contact with anybody and giving them a thumbs up. Connoisseurs of this move will tell you it's much funnier with something of colour anyway, an Aubergine, or a courgette, for ultimate subtlety perhaps a fine green bean. Now storm on and pick out some soft cheese, it doesn't matter what as long as it is not Brie that is too obvious, perhaps something with a vein in it.

Dips are important, they suggest a more relaxed approach to feeding yourself, a bit more tapas and a little less Steak House. However what dip can be tricky and needs to be chosen with care. Houmous has been reclaimed by the Graphic Designer market and you don't really want to go there. The Cheese and Chive one offers no real sophistication, and Guacamole suggests you might be having a frat party. I would suggest you go for a small jar of black olive tapenade. People don't seem to know what it is, it comes in a glass jar and is small. For some reason all these things are a positive. Perhaps have a wander into the pet food section and pick out a dog toy, it won't hurt to be regarded as someone who may potentially have a puppy. You can go for a cat toy if you prefer, but dogs seem to be more affectionate and you want to create an image in people's minds of you sitting with your puppy licking your face as you are trying to dip a celery stick into a little black jar while trying to read the new Jonathan Franzan novel. Now i'm not a lady so I can't vouch for them but I'm presuming this image is a step in the right direction for you. Although it is worth remembering that if you do achieve any success with this operation make sure you hide the collection of dog toys you have amassed on previous trips. You will look weird enough having bought just the one when it is clear you don't actually have a dog.

When you get to the refrigerated sections it is important not to get caught out checking your hairline at the mirrored bits on the end. It's probably in the same position as when you left the house fifteen minutes ago. However if you find you have in fact gone back a couple of inches since you set off drop the basket and run across the road, there is a Herbal Inn situated there waiting for this exact moment of crisis. Though seriously, as I said before this rarely happens. Probably nine out of ten times you will get back from the supermarket looking the same as you did when you left the house. The supermarket is not your bathroom which is the ideal place to lock away your vanity, so DO NOT treat it as one. This is also why you should move as quickly as possible through the toiletries aisle. Make sure you look like you know exactly what you want, throw it in your basket and move on. Looking decisive will suggest you have a thoroughly well planned hygiene programme. Spending ten minutes comparing zesty lime shower gel over relaxing eucalyptus ones suggests your bathing is reserved for special occasions.You don't need any of them just one giant white bar of soap, now head straight to the alcohol. This should really be your last stop. Ok so you don't have anything of note to eat in your basket but that's ok your here to make a statement. Now disregard beer from the off, we are only really interested in picking out wine, you will earn respect with your knowledge of grapes . The safest way to look like you know what you are doing is to make sure you are caught picking up the most expensive bottle on the shelf. Before you get to the checkout you can replace it with the wine in the mega deal. No one will remember the label, but they will remember your dedication to good wine and willingness to invest. In no way get tempted into going for the multi buy deal. Being a wino is a turn off, you can pick some more up on the way home and there is no point ruining all your good work so far to save a few pounds.

You should now have a basket laden with all the things people want to see from you, if you have done this correctly the basket will be too heavy to carry and you are now kicking it towards the check out. Take a glance at whose behind you in the que before admitting to having a loyalty card. Sometimes it's good to look disloyal. Pay and leave with your head held up. Once home unpack the bags if you want. Pace around until you've hit an appropriate time to open the wine. Ten paces around should do it. Think back about all your good work, how you went out there and gave a good account of yourself and that over an accumulated period this will pay off dividends. Once the wine is drank celebrate by remembering it's wednesday and you can still get a two for one deal on eighteen inch “Meat Packer” pizzas from the local pizza delivery. It's ok if no one can see you it never really happened.

An Essay about The Flaming Lips to plug a gig by Wet Paint( no it isn't a smart tactic)

Last year I was very excited to see the reformed Pavement play at Brixton Academy, The last time I'd seen them was about ten years before. It was at the same venue, it turned out to be their last gig but I think I was busy trying to light a cigarette when the final show announcement took place, and just presumed the power of the song “Here” was in itself enough to have the 4,000 crowd all leave in a mournful state. I read about the split four days later in the NME and thought “hang on I was there”. So this time it was nice to see them and end it knowing exactly what was going on. However as much fun as it was to be transported to my youth and reconnect with that feeling when the songs were new there was no real excitement because the story of that band and those songs had already been told. I think that is my problem with a lot of these nostalgic gigs, I understand that for a younger generation it may offer an opportunity to witness something that wasn't considered possible, but if you were there the first time perhaps you should be grateful you witnessed that history when it was being made and move on. I'm writing this of course because I've booked a gig on the night Of the Flaming Lips, Dinosaur Jr, Deerhoof show, which I feel I should be at and with your help I'm trying to convince myself it will be rubbish. “OOOh you've booked a show?” I hear you ask, well “yes” is the answer. I run a label with two friends called Records Records Records and we turn one in July and we have this show coming up...

Wet Paint

Underground Railroad

Wonderswan

Friday 1^st July

Shacklewell Arms, 71 shacklewell Lane

Good I'm glad I got that in this is essentially a giant plug for this show and for a second there I couldn't work out how to shoehorn it in. Now back to the memories...

The first time I saw The Flaming lips was at the first Bowlie Weekender. It was the Belle and Sebastien one. I wasn't a massive fan of Belle and Sebastien though at the time my older wiser girlfriend was, and some of their songs had and still have a massive significance for me. Not so much however to prevent me from wanting to punch someone in the face after three days of duffle coats and lunch boxes,watching the Divine Comedy. Now if you know me I'm not a violent person, but I think I'd hit my twee quota for one weekend. Thank God for the respite that was Jon Spencer's Blues Explosion and Sleater Kinney, and of course The Flaming Lips.

I'd discovered the band a year or so before. I'd bought their album Clouds Taste Metallic on cd from Bournemouth's HMV at an import price of fifteen pounds. In those days it cost a lot to import things to Bournemouth. Hopefully they've sorted that out. I hadn't heard it, I didn't have a clue what to expect, but the name sounded cool and the band on the cover looked cool and I had a feeling it was underground enough to look cool in front of the girl behind the counter who I had a feeling was friends of a girl I thought I fancied. I bought it very much hoping that knowledge of the purchase would spread and cool points would be scored. This is very much my pulling style, planting a seed sitting back and waiting for nothing to happen. Almost a hundred percent of the time it doesn't work, but that's advice for a different article.

The Bowlie weekender was part of the tour that was being used to preview material from The Soft Bulletin. Perhaps two hundred people had squeezed into the smallest room at Camber Sands to see them. It was confusing the first twenty minutes seemed to comprise of playing bits of songs synching up visuals on a small projector, lining up different puppets, and playing songs from start to finish, only to be asked by Wayne Coyne to pretend none of that had been seen. It turned out that was the soundcheck.They reappeared five minutes later to open the set with Race For The Prize, the song they had only just left the stage having played. Yet somehow the 32” projector screen giant gong and props and the sheer enthusiasm on stage created something magical as if it hadn't been seen or done before. This was the beginning of what would become the show that is the greatest birthday party for everyone ever.

Me and my friend Lewis left that tiny room in awe, or at least I was in awe of what a band

could do, It may have at the time looked a bit like a Harry Hill stage show but a little fake blood a ballad sung by a puppet of a nun and a giant gong seemed to add such a wild new dynamic to a live show that made the Ac Acoustics look limp and pedestrian. I have to say as an album the crazy guitars of Clouds Taste Metallic win me over everytime but the ambition or heartfelt intent of those lo-fi special effects shows will stick around forever.

(perhaps this ending is a bit twee but I have a pub date now)

I don't mind if this gets printed leave this in...I have nothing to hide

See you all tomorrow x