HILARIOUS CONSEQUENCES
Sexy adventures
Monday, 10 March 2014
Wednesday, 12 February 2014
TOP 10 VALENTINES CARDS/ GOOD AND BAD
1) Let them know you are a bit frayed on the outside, but if they get to know you there is some compassion, but if they get to know you better, it's all darkness |
2) For the plain talking no nonsense kinda guy, but at 7p why not buy three, cos who doesn't like getting three of the same thing? |
3) One for those who need a little nudge, again Asda highlight your own smarts buy simulating a price sticker on the print highlighting you are careful with money. |
4) It's well known that illiciting sympathy paves the golden road to sex |
5) Watch their face light up as they open this and realise you are a psycho. Obviously make sure you are watching from a tree at least ten meters away. |
6)For those who like word games and beating around the bush |
7) Never presume anyone is as weird as you, and if you do happen to shit yourself while writing a card don't let them know. You can get away with it, unless you are writing the card in front of them. |
9) In current times, this actually says a lot |
10) There's no coming back from making this kind of mistake |
Wednesday, 5 February 2014
Monday, 3 February 2014
Wednesday, 20 November 2013
THE BEST OPENING SCENE TO A FILM EVER
So I spent the best part of twenty minutes he other day doing some market research before I started writing my first real movie script. I've decided to write it based on what people want to see rather than my own personal idea of what a story should be. I mean what's a script writer anyway if not a problem solver...solving problems like "how do we justify tits in that?" Anyway according to the four men aged between 28 and 29 and a half I spoke to sex, explosions and an obligatory cute animal are essentials ... I've managed to get it all in, things are so far going pretty well...I need a title though...
INT: KITCHEN - NIGHT
(Throughout this whole scene Katy Perry’s Fireworks is playing)
A young white couple both in their late twenties stand in the doorway of a kitchen in a 20 storey block of flats. The female is blonde and attractive. She leans against the door frame. She fingers the buttons around the Males shirt. He is slightly stubbly and dark with muscles that suggest he is smart and capable without too much vanity. He leans in closer, both of them smile. It’s a knowing smile. They are definitely about to have SEX.
INT: BEDROOM - NIGHT
Sex is happening. The sheets are silk. The pacing is moderate. Both parties look they are putting in a decent shift and benefitting from the rewards.
CAMERA SHIFTS FROM BED THROUGH THE OPEN BEDROOM DOOR WHICH HAD CLEARLY NOT BEEN SHUT IN THE THROES OF PASSION.
INT: CORRIDOR NIGHT
The camera closes in following the feet of a small puppy. The sound of a bell rings which can’t yet be seen but is worn around the small dogs neck...(If he’s still alive let’s get the dog from the Artist)
INT: BEDROOM - NIGHT
Camera cuts back to the couple on the bed...they have now swapped positions with the Female sitting up and stretching out her breasts. She looks happy.
Camera cuts back to the dog. He puts his paws over his eyes
EXT: STREET - NIGHT
A long shot of the block of flats and what can be seen of the city skyline. Fireworks continues to play for about four seconds then...The block of flat explodes.
SCENE2
EXT: DAY...
INT: KITCHEN - NIGHT
(Throughout this whole scene Katy Perry’s Fireworks is playing)
A young white couple both in their late twenties stand in the doorway of a kitchen in a 20 storey block of flats. The female is blonde and attractive. She leans against the door frame. She fingers the buttons around the Males shirt. He is slightly stubbly and dark with muscles that suggest he is smart and capable without too much vanity. He leans in closer, both of them smile. It’s a knowing smile. They are definitely about to have SEX.
INT: BEDROOM - NIGHT
Sex is happening. The sheets are silk. The pacing is moderate. Both parties look they are putting in a decent shift and benefitting from the rewards.
CAMERA SHIFTS FROM BED THROUGH THE OPEN BEDROOM DOOR WHICH HAD CLEARLY NOT BEEN SHUT IN THE THROES OF PASSION.
INT: CORRIDOR NIGHT
The camera closes in following the feet of a small puppy. The sound of a bell rings which can’t yet be seen but is worn around the small dogs neck...(If he’s still alive let’s get the dog from the Artist)
INT: BEDROOM - NIGHT
Camera cuts back to the couple on the bed...they have now swapped positions with the Female sitting up and stretching out her breasts. She looks happy.
Camera cuts back to the dog. He puts his paws over his eyes
EXT: STREET - NIGHT
A long shot of the block of flats and what can be seen of the city skyline. Fireworks continues to play for about four seconds then...The block of flat explodes.
SCENE2
EXT: DAY...
Friday, 15 November 2013
Monday, 9 September 2013
SOMETIMES THE UNDERDOG LOSES (24 HOURS ON TINDER)
“ I want to fuck you”. My friend has
just shown me her message from Richard (27) on Tinder. That’s all he’s written.
He’s looked at a picture of her face, which is all you have to go by on Tinder
and he’s expressed his feelings so concisely you could do nothing but throw
your arms up in the air with respect. As a failing writer I have chosen to
deliberately make saying what I really want an arduous, torturous struggle, a
journey of the mind peppered with alcohol and any substance which would
obstruct me from actually being able to do the really difficult work of saying
what I think, or at least think I think. I may be stupid, but this is what I
understood to be in the job description. I took another glance at the phone and
read back the line “I want to fuck you” It still said. Because it hadn’t been
deleted. The potency of his sentence had yet to diminish. I was envious of
Richard’s ability. “This guy’s good, he writes well” I said to my friend. “He’s
not a writer” she replied. “He’s a plumber”. That was the sucker punch.
They say “The early bird catches the worm” but somebody made that up
sometime around 1982 when people sprinkled Cocaine on their cornflakes slapped
on their braces and made money out of money. It did not pay for me to be up,
I’m broke and being up is expensive. However for all my efforts avoiding it
waking up was happening to me, and in that first instance of consciousness a
panic would not so much creep in as spring me up with a jolt. Something was
missing I’d turn to my left where my sons bed sits and it would be as it always
was, empty and unmade. Five days out of seven he was missing, and though this
arrangement had now been set for over a year every morning I’d wake up feeling
I’d lost him. Every morning that is except for the two where he is actually in
the bed. If I lost him two days a week every week, I’d definitely get in
trouble. A calm sets in when I remember he’s happy and with his mum, and then a
crippling realisation …I’m alone.
I turn to the Laptop which has over the last three years had its spot
etched into the mattress and been on for so long it is red hot with rage. When
we first broke up the Internet became a sort of haven. Document your misery in
pithy hilarious updates and grasp the “likes” that trickle through like little
virtual hugs. How can you really be alone if someone in Mexico has understood
your fears of looking more and more dog like with age? You see you’re not,
because Juan understands. But as Jonathon Franzen wrote in his essay Farther
Away “(The Internet’s) perpetual stimulation without satisfaction becomes
imprisoning”. There is no end to the Internet, you look around and watch
everybody on the bus staring into their smart phones and imagine them flicking
pages searching for the way out, but there isn’t one. I’ve turned myself into a brand in fear
of ever actually getting close to anyone. You can “like” me but that’s as far
as it goes. Again as Franzen writes liking is “commercial culture’s substitute
for loving” you can’t love a toaster. My general rule is you can only love things,
which can slap you. However we now go to great lengths to be liked, to be liked
as much as a toaster. The problem is nothing happens to a toaster in its
lifetime, except more than probably break. The limitless nature means there is
no natural end to anything and stories need an end. I’ll happily endure that
pain again and have an actual feeling than another understanding virtual hug
from Juan (no offence Juan, and please don’t stop liking) I think I don’t want
to be a toaster anymore. I think about Richard from Tinder, his bravery his no
nonsense knowing what he wants, his confidence, his fearlessness in the face of
rejection and wonder if I could ever say “I want to fuck you” to anybody and
not either open with an “I’m sorry…” or finish off with a “Please” or even
both. “I’m sorry I want to fuck you please”... It’s not the same.
Labels:
FAILURE,
JONATHON FRANZAN,
romance,
the internet,
TINDER
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