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Saturday, 31 March 2012

KEEPING FIT

(an extract from the upcoming book TWIT from RecordsRecordsRecordsBooks)

Friday, 30 March 2012

HOW NOT TO HIDE AND SEEK

(an extract from the upcoming book TWIT)

Thursday, 29 March 2012

DEAR KURT COBAIN

(an extract from the upcoming book TWIT)

Wednesday, 28 March 2012

CARPE DIEM

(an extract from the upcoming book TWIT)

Tuesday, 27 March 2012

TRAPPED IN A LIFT WITH TWO KIDS AND A GOTH

(a strip from forthcoming book TWIT)

Monday, 12 March 2012

KNOCK KNOCK...IT'S ME...( The top 8 Knock Knock jokes bluetoothed from my brains)

Knock Knock It's Me is a show the critics are calling "utterly formulaic" which is great because it's good to stick to a trusted framework that works.
I haven't fully worked this show out, but I figured when the Edinburgh Festival hits, I could travel up there knock on random doors and deliver these jokes guerilla style. Alternatively if you want to buy the rights to do it yourself and almost certainly guarantee winning the now Defunct Perrier Prize you can for just £1000...
1.
KNOCK KNOCK
Who's there?
NICK KNOCK
Is that your name?
YES
Doors open

2.

KNOCK KNOCK
Who's there
MEOW
Oh it's a Cat!
MEOW
How did you knock?

3.

KNOCK KNOCK
Who's there
A LESBIAN
A lesbian who?
THANKS FOR NOT ADHERING TO GENERAL STEREOTYPES AND ACKNOWLEDGING WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT
That's quite ok

4.

KNOCK KNOCK
Who's there?
TV LICENSE MAN
I'm not in
BUT I CAN HEAR YOU TALKING
That wasn't me

5.

KNOCK KNOCK
Who's there?
PIZZA DELIVERY
I didn't order a pizza
IT"S A PROMOTIONAL OFFER

6.

KNOCK KNOCK
who's there
GRIM
Grim who?
GRIM SMITH
Phew that was close!

7.
KNOCK KNOCK.
Who's there?
JUST COME TO READ YOUR METER
I ordered something a bit sexier than this.
OH NO, SHE"S BEHIND ME, I JUST NEED TO READ THE METER

8.

KNOCK KNOCK
who's there
IT'S ME, I'M YOU
what am I doing out there?
I WAS HAVING AN OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE, NOW I'M LOCKED OUT